Big Mama

When I started this blog, I was determined to write EVERYDAY, I was CERTAIN I had so much to say that I would never run out of ideas and the words would just flow with ease and I would have no problem keeping it updated. I'm still certain I have a lot to say, not so sure anyone wants to hear it all the time. Today I am asking myself the question "why not write, something, anything...why the lack of discipline...lack of commitment"? I haven't come up with an answer yet. I guess there are more than a few excuses I could give, alot of my story is painful, I don't feel like doing it, the kids take my attention away, it's too hard to get up early so I have the silence I need to focus, I have a very legitimate fear of commitment to anything, I have never been disciplined about anything in my life why start now, it's easier to waste time on FB...you get the picture right. I've reached a bit of a realization this morning though, I am only cheating myself. Then again, that's something I've always been really good at!! So, I decided to sit down and type, and post and no matter what it said or how good I thought it was I would put it out there, for myself. This morning started like this for me:
Around 6:00am my 3 year old son climbed into to bed with me. He said he was cold and he needed some covers. I lifted the blanket and he snuggled in beside me. He wrapped his little arms around as much of me as he could and gave me a great big squeeze and said " I love you Mama" I kissed him on the top of his head and told him "you are my great little man" to which he responded " and you are my great big mama"
That is definately worth sharing with ANYONE!!

Pomp and a whole lot of circumstances

This is something I wrote a while back. I thought it would be an appropriate piece to share with you since Shayla was introduced to many of you through Glennon's blog this morning.

June 10, 2008

I had the honor of attending my stepdaughter's high school graduation last night. Some of you know the challenges she has faced during her senior year. Completing high school is an accomplishment within itself. To persevere and succeed despite such enormous (that word is truly insufficient) health challenges the way Shayla did is something I have never seen anyone else do. The tenacity, determination and strength that she has continuously displayed in the face of GINORMOUS adversity is beyond my capacity to understand. Ironically, the youngest of my friends is someone I want to be like when I grow up.

The excitement and anticipation in all of the kids quickly carried me back a number of years and I was glad the bittersweet memories of my high school graduation were so close at hand. I let myself get lost in them for a minute. Who knew fifteen years would pass in the blink of an eye, just like everyone said it would. Looking back, I thought I knew it all and was therefore prepared for anything. Turns out I didn't know much of anything and I learned the hard way you can only prepare for life one day at a time. Fifteen years later I would sit at a high school graduation and listen intently to the messages passed on from the young adults who seemingly know everything, and nothing at the same time....while looking back everything seemed different, nothing has really changed. I still don't know much, and I could never be truly prepared for life's challenges. Through God, and thanks to some amazing friends, I know how to LIVE and LOVE my life, despite being ill equipped.

When I originally wrote this, I had no idea how much my life would change over the next year and a half. I don't consider myself to be ill equipped today. I know through God all things are possible and whatever it is He has planned for me, He will supply me with the tools and knowledge required to be successful.

Who Knew?

I never fancied myself a writer. In fact it was one of the exercises I dreaded most in school. I always felt like I didn't have anything good to say, and even if I did, it often came out a jumbled mess when I tried to put in down on paper. For me, reading my own writing was like listening to someone talk with food in their mouth, just plain gross. Several weeks back I followed a link to a high school classmate's blog. As I sat and read her entries I was overcome with great emotion. I was amazed by her abilities to articulate what could have been pages out of my own life story. Not only was I moved by the similarities of our experiences in life, but by the way she was able to take hard raw emotions and freely express them through her writing. I decided to step way out of my comfort zone and leave a comment on an entry that I found to be particularly moving and quite profound. Having not had any contact with her, other than a friend request on facebook, in over 15 years, I was a little bit nervous. I never imagined that what would result would be an extraordinary gift.
After Glennon read my comment she took time to contact me. She sent me a message on facebook. I suspect when she went to my profile she read in the box below my picture a little tribute to my stepdaughter Shayla. She asked me if I would be willing to tell her about Shayla. I sat in front of my computer thinking to myself ok, how in the world am I going to be able to "sum up" my story about Shayla in a facebook message. I asked myself, do I really want to even attempt this considering how talented a writer Glennon is. I definately did not want to even try, but I did it anyway. I bowed my head, closed my eyes and asked God what it was He wanted me to say and then I started typing. I was completely shocked by what I had written. With a tear streaked face and trembling hands, I hit the reply button.
Over a period of a few weeks and several facebook messages, Glennon has encouraged me to continue on with my writing. She has incorporated a "me too" section of her blog where her readers share their stories. She has honored me and Shayla by posting my story about her. What Glennon doesn't know is that my experiencing the death of my stepdaughter is just one of the stories of my life that I could share in a "me too" column. I have also lived through drug and alcohol abuse, an eating disorder, co-dependence, a physically abusive relationship, the infidelity of a spouse, a failed marriage, and to end on a more light hearted note, a rat infested house/neighborhood.
If any of you who read this believe you are in a hopeless situation, I am here to tell there is hope. I have had more than a few failures and disappointments along the way, but today I live a life filled with joy and peace. I am looking forward to the days to come as I am able to share with you the details of my experiences and how I have been able to LIVE through the struggles.
I have found that writing is one of the greatest outlets a person can have. It is something I am beginning to love and I even like some of what I read, sometimes...I strive for progress not perfection. Who knew I would one day fancy myself a writer?

Perfect Chaos

Shortly after I gave up on getting things in order, I experienced a miracle. I was ready to throw in the towel and decided I would just try to hold things together. Before I knew what was going on things seemed to just bring themselves together, all on there own. Before the night's end, I had three backpacks ready, school supplies labeled, snacks packed, children bathed, clothes laid out, house cleaned, and kids in bed anxiously awaiting the first day of school.
As I looked around pleased as punch, for one second I started to question how this happened. I had just conceded to the fact that I was not capable of pulling all of this off. I wasn't capable, that hadn't changed. I was powerless and therefore had to rely on the supernatural force that bails me out time and time again. I let go and let God and as usual, He showed up. So now the question I have to ask myself is, why the heck didn't I give up a week ago?

Out of Order

School starts tomorrow and I have been trying desperately for the last week to "get things in order". I have come to the conclusion that I am trying to accomplish the impossible. There is no such thing as "in order" when you are the single mother of five children. If I manage to have them dressed, reasonably fed, and still alive by the end of the day, I have accomplished something well beyond my capabilities as a human being. So I am giving up on "getting things in order". I am praying that I can just "keep it together".....I've got six hours till bed time, I'll let you know how it turns out....hopefully.

ready, set , go...

When I was seven years old, I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up- A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, nun, pediatric brain surgeon. I am 34 years old now and I've held more than a few titles and positions, none of which were included in that picture I painted of my life when I was seven. I'm still trying to figure out what I will be when I grow up!
My life so far has been far from perfect, to say the very least. It is a story full of struggles, victories, failures and great loss. But, for certain it is a story filled with HOPE. I've decided to share my experiences with others, that they too may find HOPE in otherwise hopeless situations. My life today is still far from perfect, but it has only just begun and it is A WORK IN PROGRESS.